I don’t have a title for this post

my friends always tell me that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that my facial expressions are v easy to read, that “ur poker face sucks” LOL I can’t decide if that’s a bad thing or not but I think it is la because why would I want to put myself in such a vulnerable place right where my emotions are there for the whole world to scrutinise???
But that being said, I guess it’s also a good thing because it’s really obvious when I’m done for good. It’s quite easy to tell when you’ve lost me cause when I half-fuck things it’s really quite half fuck la LOL bimbz ng told me before, when I care I tend to care too much but when I don’t, it’s also the other extreme. I think there’s a certain limit to how much I care, as with any human being. I hold my friendships/relationships in v high regard so it really takes a lot for me to start giving up on someone or something. I fall v hard yes but once I’m done crying and over it, it’s really like 0 fucks given at all…… (this is the reason why I say I’m going to hell lol)

Edit: lol omg this has been sitting in my drafts for a good 4 months since December…. it’s April 2017 now and this topic is still so relatable LOL HM WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME 🤔

but yasss, sometimes I feel so angry at myself that I’m using a person but then I think about how it’s like for the party and realised that it’s no different – we both are using each other. sure, maybe it de-values us a a person, because you use things and not people, but I guess if the nature of the relationship is more taking than giving, then there’s only two ways to go about it right? a) Cut it off b) Play the game till someone gets hurt LOL as it is, I’m already treading on thin ice, the line is so so fine and I’m getting quite tired of playing this game. emotionally, mentally it’s exhausting, for both of us I’m sure. Am really quite a bitch for doing whatever I’m doing now (actually idek what I’m doing rly it just seems so bitchy lmao muddling my way through life wtf get ur shit tgt Hsu), I don’t have any excuse. I suppose you could say I stopped giving a fuck when it happened and that was when you lost me. for something that I value the most in a r/s, it doesn’t exist here at all and I don’t believe in second chances when it comes to things like these because there will always be lingering thoughts. it’s like porcelain you know? you can patch it back together after it breaks but the crack, the crack will always still be there, no matter how fine. it’s really not fair to either party but what to do… you can’t run from what you feel, maybe with time the lingering doubts will dissipate.

the moment I stop sharing, the moment I withdraw and become so guarded, I think that’s when you know I’ve stopped letting you in.

leaving/left

mel was telling me the other day about what she was going through and i realised, we were both in the same similar situation, just maybe slightly different context. i didn’t know what else i could do, because she was some thousand hundred miles away in Beijing and i’m stuck here. i want so much to just give her a hug, be there with her and cry together because i really understand how she feels. but because i can’t, all i could offer was mere words of what i hoped was comforting. but as i typed it, i felt like those were the words i myself needed to hear. it felt like while i was telling her the things i was, i was also trying to tell myself that.

i think letting go is something that i really need to learn how to do. i hold on to things so tightly that when i need to let go, it hurts worse than a bitch lol. i really don’t know why i’m still so hung up over this really…. i guess it’s just maybe i saw more in this friendship i suppose. sigh it’s okay, let it go, let it go, look past the flaws. all I can do is to accept things for what they are now, and what they will be. in time to come, this will either all be another memory, or a living friendship. gotta learn to not think so much and be content with the now. (but i did read somewhere, maybe on a trashy website LOL, that geminis are prone to always thinking about the “what ifs”, but i think it’s true so gotta learn to STOP thinking about that). sigh a month to finals, can’t afford to be distracted anymore! will take things as they go, if effort is not reciprocated then so be it! am in a better place than i was 3 weeks ago, and will get to an even better place soon.

everything in life is temporal

of people, friends, phases, circumstance. i suppose nothing is permanent and that in itself is another paradox of life. that temporary is permanent. i spent most of the late afternoon till evening today just walking down the streets of tiong bahru/bukit merah with no real destination. i was supposed to do my neighbourhood study of tiong bahru but i ended up walking, getting some me time to do some thinking.

we fight to hold on, and we fight to let go. why do we fight to hold on to certain people/relationships when it’s toxic for us? to beg them to stay when they don’t want to. yet when we try, we can’t seem to just let it go. what if their time in your life is already up? what if they were never meant to be a permanent figure in your life? harsh as it sounds, all you can do is to suck it up and be happy that at least y’all had that few months right? i wish it were that easy too, for me to just let people come and go, as some people can do. i can’t. while i accept and understand that everything in life is temporal and transient, acceptance and understanding does not translate to action. you can comprehend something but not want to do it. can’t seem to let this go, so i guess it’s something i’ll keep thinking about for as long as it lasts. with time, hopefully i stop doubting and will learn to trust again?

do i regret showing so much of myself, (in any relationship)? yeah, because when the day comes when we become strangers again, it will kill me. but for now, i will just content with the notion that temporary is a state of permanence and till then, i will live with what might just kill me.

forgot you were like ice, and I held on too tight

hi

wow it’s been exactly 11 months since i’ve last posted on here… well this is my scrubby attempt to relieve a year’s worth of memories in a 20 min (max) read so 🙂

I’ve started Year 2 in Uni and I would say I’m coping better this sem and it shows in my grades! Really thankful for what I got and am so happy. Could def have done much better but I am satisfied with my cap now, so here’s to maintaining it and hopefully increasing it in 2017! This year passed by in a literal blur and everything that happened in the first half of 2016 felt like it occurred last year… I think it’s been a relatively smooth sailing year with a few hiccups here and there in April (i think) but all has been great, in hall, in school, in life. Had dark days but also had even brighter ones, loved and lost, experienced a lot, matured a lot. Wouldn’t say I’ve grown as much as I liked to but I think that’s because my growth is relative – compared to last year where I really really developed so much in Y1 (bc of hall), my rate of growth in y2 has been slightly slower I guess. I believe accompanying the growth this year is also this sense of understanding and knowing – that there are certain things in life you cannot control, that sometimes you just have to work around and with what you have, that friendships, people, feelings, LIFE is transient.

Academically-wise, I loved Soci at the start of the year and I still do. I really love what I’m learning in soci and I love studying it. I still don’t really know how to write a GOOD soci essay and neither am I good at it, but I love it for it’s content and the perspectives it teaches. I feel so so enlightened to be able to learn so much, to open my eyes to a different way of seeing, so privileged to receive this sociological education. To be able to look at things with an open-mind, and look past the consumerism, past the materialism, past the globalisation to realise that there is so much more to the world than what the human eye sees. It is SUCH a blessing to be able to receive this education and be able to make sense of the workings of the world around me and I am so grateful really. ok tbvh i loved all the mods i took this year, both in Y1S2 and Y2S1…. my UEs complemented my soci mods and vice versa hahahah THANK U NUS LOL really i luvvvvv ok done with the nerd talk and verbal vomit! Time for pictures to sum up my year.

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Started of 2016 in Jan working for SG motorshow 2016 with bimbz Ng, my events buddy yay

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Extreme joy and pride when TH finally won IHG Champions for 15/16 in Feb

img_1907CNY 2016

img_1986Pubs photoshoot for Amplitude 2015 + show day with Vox 15/16 + second aca perf #XXY

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img_2100img_2279Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 presetPubs photoshoot for TH Productions 15/16 + Alice in Zombieland show day in March

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Emceed for DND with Aki in April + last hall event of the AY 15/16

GER presentation with GER group which surprisingly was really fun hahaha will never forget our stupid moments at Raghu’s place where we were SUPPOSED to be chionging the poster lmao got a B- for that stupid mod but no ragrets cos group mates were gr8!

img_2343Cabbed down to Esther’s place the night before her birthday in to celebrate since we couldn’t meet for a proper meal cos finals

img_2374XE’s birthday dinner in May post-finals!

img_2403img_2384Shirt and I celebrating post-finals and being stupid taking photos on the Town green using iphone light lmao and visiting our empty studying spot

 Jesalin’s grad!!!!

 OCIP with TK4S’15 in Nusa Penida – one HECK of a journey in 21 days which I will NEVER forget. I can say with so much certainty that I absolutely fucking LOVED every second of it and every one of the scrubs. So so so many fond memories made on that lovely island and in Bali. I’ve wished a thousand times over that I could stay in those moments forever

Crashed THEP in June

KY’s birthday celebration

Gentle Bones concert!!!

My birthday celebration

Arts Camp 2016 OCOMM

BKK in July

TK4S BBQ with overly-attached scrubs

Art Science Museum with le shirt

Les Miserables w Esther after I ended work and I was so shag that I slept through 88% of the musical not even kidding. I really tried to keep myself awake but I really couldn’t sobs what a waste of money

THOC 16/17 E Block – shag as hell with only 5 OGLs tanking for 50+ freshies

Random clubbing night in August. Clubbed A LOT more this year lol whoops

 Emceed for Leader’s Investiture with Perry

img_337313A04 gathering – also another bunch I love, felt so so happy that night

Second for IBG wow wow history made in E Block

Scrubs in our natural state at Nat’s 21st!!! really really love them to bits

img_3521Mx’s birthday picnic at Botanical Gardens in September

img_3558Lantern Festival celebration with E block

Night Cycling 2016 with E Block

TH Bash 2016

random 6.30am shot because I hadn’t gone to sleep. Had supper with long lost Bay and Jesalin. Also stayed up till sunrise a lot more this sem…..

FASS appreciation dinner 2016 with my marketing babes + last of my side fringe lol in October

Block Comm 16/17 at the most upz ever angel and mortal revelation! legit freaking love my door deco

Random TK4S scrubs picnic under the stars yay

MAYDAY PARADE FUCK YES it was a dream come true getting to hear them live although it became an acoustic session I wanted to burst into tears I love them so much

Productions 16/17 at EnTHral 2016! Not sure where the Vox photo is lol

 THrill Night 2016 with my scrubby twin!!! we dressed up as the twin emojis LOL supposed to be dancers but well, we improvised with our minimum effort maximum effect costume + HUGE ASS SNORLAX

No photos in November because it really was just me stuDYING for finals legit. studied the hardest this sem lel

img_4410Baliza in December before I flew off to Japan. Was a good night!

img_5084Day 2 in Japan – Pokemon Centre + Iikebukuro

img_5120img_4093Day 3 – Meij-Jinggu Shrine + Harajuku’s aesthetic and festive Christmas streets and buildings

img_5150Day 4 – Disneyland to see my bae Mickey but didn’t see him at all so sad :((((

img_5204img_5214Day 5 – Ginza + Shibuya where we crossed the road 3 times and spent like just half an hour at the crossing alone because my brother wanted to take a poser step shot

img_4317 Day 6 – Mount Fuji

img_4441E block represent at ChrisTHmas

img_3995Carolled with TH Vox throughout December – Capitol Piazza

 Orchard Hotel

OK OMFG FINALLY I AM SO TIRED. This year has been a good run, leggo 2017!!!!

HSU OUT.

2016 goals

one month late, but better late than never right? I’m not going to call them resolutions because the follow things I’m going to list aren’t just things that are going to be said and forgotten about by December. The following list is what I hope to achieve for myself by the end of the year, or at the very least, see some form of improvement. so at 4.30am on a Friday morning, here are my goals. 

  1. Exercise well, eat well, sleep well (haha evidently already not doing this), study well. Been feeling fat as fuck and I don’t like how I look so time to start doing smth about it.
  2. Only care about those that matter. 
  3. Be happy. By getting rid of toxic people, fake bitches etc. 

stuck in a rut

Recently, (okay maybe since the start of October), I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in a rut and I don’t know where to go. Uni hasn’t been a breeze at all and to be quite frank, it has been very shitty. My grades are disastrous and that’s obviously because I haven’t been putting in (any) effort. And this is where the problem lies. I don’t know what to do. I feel so demoralised, so unmotivated, so miserable. I can feel myself rotting because of my incompetence. This time, I know it’s bad. I’ve let myself be consumed by negative thoughts so much so that I literally do not care anymore. I don’t care that I didn’t submit a 20% assignment, I don’t care that I am 25th percentile, I don’t care if I skip lectures and tutorials. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve (almost) completely given up. And when someone gives up on himself, that’s when you know they’re past the point of caring. Everything has just accumulated and snowballed to this state and I’m not quite sure how to pull myself out of this grave I dug for myself. I know the only solution is to find it in me to want to do well bad enough, to want to do well so much, that I find the motivation and the drive again. No one else can do it for me, no one can take my finals for me, no one can force me to study. Ultimately, it all boils down to me and if I have the mental strength to rise above it all. I’ve pretty much fucked up this entire first semester and I’ve hit an all time low. I don’t feel like doing anything and I’ve let laziness overcome me. 2 weeks to finals, and I really ought to get out of this funk. I have to be stronger than this. I can’t afford to fuck up anymore, I really can’t. And I know it’s pointless to be writing all this without doing anything but I promise, I just need to write it out. After this, I will start trying again. I’ll take the first step to churn out an essay by tomorrow even though it’s already 12am. It’s high time I stop wallowing in self-pity and help myself climb out of this black hole.

What Students Really Need to Hear

this is so important and is such a timely reminder for myself. gotta stop doing nothing and skipping classes. finals are in 4 weeks, time to buck the fuck up.

AFFECTIVE LIVING

It’s 4 a.m.  I’ve struggled for the last hour to go to sleep.  But, I can’t.  Yet again, I am tossing and turning, unable to shut down my brain.  Why?  Because I am stressed about my students.  Really stressed.  I’m so stressed that I can only think to write down what I really want to say — the real truth I’ve been needing to say — and vow to myself that I will let my students hear what I really think tomorrow.

This is what students really need to hear:

First, you need to know right now that I care about you. In fact, I care about you more than you may care about yourself.  And I care not just about your grades or your test scores, but about you as a person. And, because I care, I need to be honest with you. Do I have permission to be…

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I’ve never felt more distant (if you could call it that) from the one thing that kept me sane. Choir is the one thing I will never get tired of. Words cannot describe how fucking much I miss it. Am really awaiting the day where God opens the doors for me to sing in a choir again.