Maybe it’s us

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Cause lately I’ve been tired and uninspired.

Is it us? Is it me? Do we really suck? Have I really failed as an alto SL? I’ve been doing some thinking and maybe, just maybe, it’s our/my leadership. Maybe we didn’t lead choir well. Maybe because we/I didn’t set a correct example. Maybe it’s because of us, that choir/alto is this way. I guess the conductor change is partly why choir is so effed up now, but is it also because of our poor leadership? I am disappointed. But this time, it isn’t the choir I’m disappointed in. It’s myself. Coming to think of it, I think I honestly haven’t done a good job of an SL. Sectionals are usually slack because after I go through one/two round(s) of the song, I let them rest. I let it pass when someone sings a wrong note, I close one eye when they don’t follow the smallest detail simply because I know they can’t be bothered to put in effort and try. (or perhaps is it because I really am incompetent?) 😦 i am not a good SL. I am not. I am a failure as an SL and I hate myself for this. I feel as though I’ve let Jac down. She never once gave up on altos even though we were so so sucky and caused her to cry a few times. And then there’s me. I gave up on altos since… March (I guess). I lost faith in them because their attitudes were beginning to become worse. (or maybe because I didn’t do my job as an SL to motivate them.) I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. And though I’ve said I wash my hands off choir, I don’t want to step down leaving altos like this. With them hating me and me hating them. I don’t. I’m not sure if having a h2h talk with them will work. I’m pretty sure it wont. (but how will I know if I don’t try? But I don’t have the guts to try because I’m afraid that they won’t gaf and roll their eyes at me. I’m pretty sure they would. But how would I know?) I don’t understand how choir had come to this state. When did it all start going downhill? Why? Why can’t choir be like all the other CCAs? So bonded – crying when shit happens because they dont let one suffer alone and would rather suffer as a CCA, going for outings/movies as a CCA, crying when their seniors leave etc. when can’t choir have good (or at least respectful) juniors? So many questions but i don’t have the answers. I don’t even know how to go about looking for these answers.

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