15 minutes ago, I was walking down the hill to the bus stop on my way to tuition when this thought just suddenly pushed its way into my head:
I love the heat omg it makes me feel so alive
It actually shocked me bc as true as that is, I’ve never entertained such a thought like that before. But I really did feel something inside of me come alive. I wanted to go on an adventure, just y’know, drop all my cares about school and my grades and leave everything behind and start afresh somewhere (as much as I love my friends, trust me, I really do want to go somewhere new.)
I’m now on the bus and so I will do some reflecting of my own. And I’ve come to this realization that although I often complain that I dislike change, I need change. I don’t do routines. I can’t do routines and they drive me to metal breakdowns. I need to be able to do new things, to explore new places, to meet new people. What I’m going to say next may sound like a typical Asian girl who wants to live the life similar to those in western countries, but trust me when I say that I really mean it and it’s not that I worship the ground Caucasians walk on or anything. The thing is, I want to live a life of freedom. One that isn’t constrained by my grades, by expectations, by people. It’s on my bucketlist to actually live in a western country. Y’know how they say the grass is always greener on the other side? I guess it’s true but I want to experience it for myself. I want to know what it’s like living in those American houses and going on destination-less road trips and camping out by the roadside in your car. I want adventure. I want excitement. I want thrill.
You know whats fucking scary? The fact that I could literally change my life at any moment. I could stop talking to everyone that makes me unhappy. I could kiss whoever i want. I could shave my head or get on a plane or take my own life. Nothing is stopping me. The entire world is in my hands, and I have no idea what to do with it.
This quote speaks to me a lot because it’s so, damn, true. I think along the way as I grow, I start to discover and sort of form a picture of how I want my life to be like in the future. I want to wander out into the forest, to sail out into the sea. sometimes, I want to just sit in front of my laptop and watch youtube videos. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OKAY NO. But in all seriousness, I wish for my life to be fulfilling and exciting. I think after As this year, I’m going to go out and do something crazy. Maybe travel solo to a country or something (hopefully the parents allow.) I can’t live my life constrained by schedules and routines. I don’t do boring days. I hate it when my days are just repeatedly going to school, coming home, staying up late to do work and wake up early the next day. It drives me to insanity. I need things to spice up my life. and so, my aim after As is to seek adventure, seek a great perhaps. To find my purpose in life and to live it the way I want it to. Having said so much, I guess one of the reasons why I want to study in an overseas uni so badly is because I want to get out of Singapore. This country’s become a tad too boring for me and I feel so stifled. I feel like if I were to go overseas, I’d be able to learn so much more. Learn about the world, life lessons, things beyond the classroom, beyond anything that humans could ever teach. Because, let’s face it experience is the best teacher. (This is one quote I will always live by.)
Food for thought:
I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth, then I ask myself the same question.