I guess it’s correct to say that we are always using people aren’t we? Humans using one another. I read somewhere before that we are sad when someone dies only because they aren’t around anymore to provide us with whatever we have been taking from them. I suppose it’s true, that we take from someone only what we need. We manipulate (for lack of a better word) people to become what we want them to be, to become a vision / a fragment of something that we desire. Consider this: we often seek comfort and support and expect our parents to always be there for us. But our parents are human too and they have their flaws and failings. And sometimes, these failings manifest themselves in the actions of our parents. And when they fail to give us what we expect, what we want (i.e love and support), we are hurt and disappointed. The person we sculpt also hurts too. So if this holds true, then aren’t we just merely taking and sculpting our parents into whatever we want / need them to be? We take from everyone what we need and things get taken from us. More often than not, this leaves us empty and tired. I think such things always end in disappointment is because it is so hard, to always have be… there y’know? It is wearisome to always have to give some parts of yourself to others (not that it’s entirely a bad thing). It’s tiresome to be around people, to have to put up this facade, to have to be a sculptor for someone and a sculpture of someone.
Having said that, it also is human nature to be selfish. Humans ARE selfish. Even in a family. Sometimes, people get tired and they just do not care anymore. They leave you to your own issues, to clear up your own mess (literally), to your own life. Then I ask myself, is this being selfish? Or is this just merely putting your happiness first before others? Because if there’s anything I’ve learnt in this 18 years of life, it is that putting your own happiness first before others’ has got to be the hardest thing ever. (What a paradox it is, seeing as human nature is selfish.) sometimes, you need to ensure your own happiness, to be able to give (anything) to someone else.
I don’t know what this is all about. I just feel so suffocated. I hardly have the time to write / reflect now and everything is just being bottled up inside of me. Not having time to write means not being able to express my emotions. Not being able to express my emotions means it being suppressed inside of me. I have recently been just… Existing. I am not feeling. I don’t feel anything. I am supposed to feel stressed. I am supposed to feel sad / unhappy. I am also supposed to feel some sort of willpower. But there’s nothing. I just feel like all I am now is an empty shell. I know what this is, I’ve been here before. I thought I’d gotten past this but looks like I haven’t. I can feel myself suppressing everything. The stress is at the back of my head and as soon as someone / something releases the trigger, it’s going to rush forward in tidal waves, along with everything else I’ve suppressed for the past week / month. I don’t know what to do to avoid this. It’s like the small tremors at the beginning of an earthquake, like the behaviour of an active volcano with lava spewing out but not yet entirely erupted, like the tip of an iceberg. Help. I don’t want to go back there.