stuck in a rut

Recently, (okay maybe since the start of October), I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in a rut and I don’t know where to go. Uni hasn’t been a breeze at all and to be quite frank, it has been very shitty. My grades are disastrous and that’s obviously because I haven’t been putting in (any) effort. And this is where the problem lies. I don’t know what to do. I feel so demoralised, so unmotivated, so miserable. I can feel myself rotting because of my incompetence. This time, I know it’s bad. I’ve let myself be consumed by negative thoughts so much so that I literally do not care anymore. I don’t care that I didn’t submit a 20% assignment, I don’t care that I am 25th percentile, I don’t care if I skip lectures and tutorials. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve (almost) completely given up. And when someone gives up on himself, that’s when you know they’re past the point of caring. Everything has just accumulated and snowballed to this state and I’m not quite sure how to pull myself out of this grave I dug for myself. I know the only solution is to find it in me to want to do well bad enough, to want to do well so much, that I find the motivation and the drive again. No one else can do it for me, no one can take my finals for me, no one can force me to study. Ultimately, it all boils down to me and if I have the mental strength to rise above it all. I’ve pretty much fucked up this entire first semester and I’ve hit an all time low. I don’t feel like doing anything and I’ve let laziness overcome me. 2 weeks to finals, and I really ought to get out of this funk. I have to be stronger than this. I can’t afford to fuck up anymore, I really can’t. And I know it’s pointless to be writing all this without doing anything but I promise, I just need to write it out. After this, I will start trying again. I’ll take the first step to churn out an essay by tomorrow even though it’s already 12am. It’s high time I stop wallowing in self-pity and help myself climb out of this black hole.

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