my friends always tell me that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that my facial expressions are v easy to read, that “ur poker face sucks” LOL I can’t decide if that’s a bad thing or not but I think it is la because why would I want to put myself in such a vulnerable place right where my emotions are there for the whole world to scrutinise???
But that being said, I guess it’s also a good thing because it’s really obvious when I’m done for good. It’s quite easy to tell when you’ve lost me cause when I half-fuck things it’s really quite half fuck la LOL bimbz ng told me before, when I care I tend to care too much but when I don’t, it’s also the other extreme. I think there’s a certain limit to how much I care, as with any human being. I hold my friendships/relationships in v high regard so it really takes a lot for me to start giving up on someone or something. I fall v hard yes but once I’m done crying and over it, it’s really like 0 fucks given at all…… (this is the reason why I say I’m going to hell lol)
Edit: lol omg this has been sitting in my drafts for a good 4 months since December…. it’s April 2017 now and this topic is still so relatable LOL HM WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME 🤔
but yasss, sometimes I feel so angry at myself that I’m using a person but then I think about how it’s like for the party and realised that it’s no different – we both are using each other. sure, maybe it de-values us a a person, because you use things and not people, but I guess if the nature of the relationship is more taking than giving, then there’s only two ways to go about it right? a) Cut it off b) Play the game till someone gets hurt LOL as it is, I’m already treading on thin ice, the line is so so fine and I’m getting quite tired of playing this game. emotionally, mentally it’s exhausting, for both of us I’m sure. Am really quite a bitch for doing whatever I’m doing now (actually idek what I’m doing rly it just seems so bitchy lmao muddling my way through life wtf get ur shit tgt Hsu), I don’t have any excuse. I suppose you could say I stopped giving a fuck when it happened and that was when you lost me. for something that I value the most in a r/s, it doesn’t exist here at all and I don’t believe in second chances when it comes to things like these because there will always be lingering thoughts. it’s like porcelain you know? you can patch it back together after it breaks but the crack, the crack will always still be there, no matter how fine. it’s really not fair to either party but what to do… you can’t run from what you feel, maybe with time the lingering doubts will dissipate.
the moment I stop sharing, the moment I withdraw and become so guarded, I think that’s when you know I’ve stopped letting you in.