hi

wow it’s been exactly 11 months since i’ve last posted on here… well this is my scrubby attempt to relieve a year’s worth of memories in a 20 min (max) read so 🙂

I’ve started Year 2 in Uni and I would say I’m coping better this sem and it shows in my grades! Really thankful for what I got and am so happy. Could def have done much better but I am satisfied with my cap now, so here’s to maintaining it and hopefully increasing it in 2017! This year passed by in a literal blur and everything that happened in the first half of 2016 felt like it occurred last year… I think it’s been a relatively smooth sailing year with a few hiccups here and there in April (i think) but all has been great, in hall, in school, in life. Had dark days but also had even brighter ones, loved and lost, experienced a lot, matured a lot. Wouldn’t say I’ve grown as much as I liked to but I think that’s because my growth is relative – compared to last year where I really really developed so much in Y1 (bc of hall), my rate of growth in y2 has been slightly slower I guess. I believe accompanying the growth this year is also this sense of understanding and knowing – that there are certain things in life you cannot control, that sometimes you just have to work around and with what you have, that friendships, people, feelings, LIFE is transient.

Academically-wise, I loved Soci at the start of the year and I still do. I really love what I’m learning in soci and I love studying it. I still don’t really know how to write a GOOD soci essay and neither am I good at it, but I love it for it’s content and the perspectives it teaches. I feel so so enlightened to be able to learn so much, to open my eyes to a different way of seeing, so privileged to receive this sociological education. To be able to look at things with an open-mind, and look past the consumerism, past the materialism, past the globalisation to realise that there is so much more to the world than what the human eye sees. It is SUCH a blessing to be able to receive this education and be able to make sense of the workings of the world around me and I am so grateful really. ok tbvh i loved all the mods i took this year, both in Y1S2 and Y2S1…. my UEs complemented my soci mods and vice versa hahahah THANK U NUS LOL really i luvvvvv ok done with the nerd talk and verbal vomit! Time for pictures to sum up my year.

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Started of 2016 in Jan working for SG motorshow 2016 with bimbz Ng, my events buddy yay

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Extreme joy and pride when TH finally won IHG Champions for 15/16 in Feb

img_1907CNY 2016

img_1986Pubs photoshoot for Amplitude 2015 + show day with Vox 15/16 + second aca perf #XXY

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img_2100img_2279Processed with VSCOcam with hb2 presetPubs photoshoot for TH Productions 15/16 + Alice in Zombieland show day in March

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Emceed for DND with Aki in April + last hall event of the AY 15/16

GER presentation with GER group which surprisingly was really fun hahaha will never forget our stupid moments at Raghu’s place where we were SUPPOSED to be chionging the poster lmao got a B- for that stupid mod but no ragrets cos group mates were gr8!

img_2343Cabbed down to Esther’s place the night before her birthday in to celebrate since we couldn’t meet for a proper meal cos finals

img_2374XE’s birthday dinner in May post-finals!

img_2403img_2384Shirt and I celebrating post-finals and being stupid taking photos on the Town green using iphone light lmao and visiting our empty studying spot

 Jesalin’s grad!!!!

 OCIP with TK4S’15 in Nusa Penida – one HECK of a journey in 21 days which I will NEVER forget. I can say with so much certainty that I absolutely fucking LOVED every second of it and every one of the scrubs. So so so many fond memories made on that lovely island and in Bali. I’ve wished a thousand times over that I could stay in those moments forever

Crashed THEP in June

KY’s birthday celebration

Gentle Bones concert!!!

My birthday celebration

Arts Camp 2016 OCOMM

BKK in July

TK4S BBQ with overly-attached scrubs

Art Science Museum with le shirt

Les Miserables w Esther after I ended work and I was so shag that I slept through 88% of the musical not even kidding. I really tried to keep myself awake but I really couldn’t sobs what a waste of money

THOC 16/17 E Block – shag as hell with only 5 OGLs tanking for 50+ freshies

Random clubbing night in August. Clubbed A LOT more this year lol whoops

 Emceed for Leader’s Investiture with Perry

img_337313A04 gathering – also another bunch I love, felt so so happy that night

Second for IBG wow wow history made in E Block

Scrubs in our natural state at Nat’s 21st!!! really really love them to bits

img_3521Mx’s birthday picnic at Botanical Gardens in September

img_3558Lantern Festival celebration with E block

Night Cycling 2016 with E Block

TH Bash 2016

random 6.30am shot because I hadn’t gone to sleep. Had supper with long lost Bay and Jesalin. Also stayed up till sunrise a lot more this sem…..

FASS appreciation dinner 2016 with my marketing babes + last of my side fringe lol in October

Block Comm 16/17 at the most upz ever angel and mortal revelation! legit freaking love my door deco

Random TK4S scrubs picnic under the stars yay

MAYDAY PARADE FUCK YES it was a dream come true getting to hear them live although it became an acoustic session I wanted to burst into tears I love them so much

Productions 16/17 at EnTHral 2016! Not sure where the Vox photo is lol

 THrill Night 2016 with my scrubby twin!!! we dressed up as the twin emojis LOL supposed to be dancers but well, we improvised with our minimum effort maximum effect costume + HUGE ASS SNORLAX

No photos in November because it really was just me stuDYING for finals legit. studied the hardest this sem lel

img_4410Baliza in December before I flew off to Japan. Was a good night!

img_5084Day 2 in Japan – Pokemon Centre + Iikebukuro

img_5120img_4093Day 3 – Meij-Jinggu Shrine + Harajuku’s aesthetic and festive Christmas streets and buildings

img_5150Day 4 – Disneyland to see my bae Mickey but didn’t see him at all so sad :((((

img_5204img_5214Day 5 – Ginza + Shibuya where we crossed the road 3 times and spent like just half an hour at the crossing alone because my brother wanted to take a poser step shot

img_4317 Day 6 – Mount Fuji

img_4441E block represent at ChrisTHmas

img_3995Carolled with TH Vox throughout December – Capitol Piazza

 Orchard Hotel

OK OMFG FINALLY I AM SO TIRED. This year has been a good run, leggo 2017!!!!

HSU OUT.

stuck in a rut

Recently, (okay maybe since the start of October), I’ve been feeling like I’m stuck in a rut and I don’t know where to go. Uni hasn’t been a breeze at all and to be quite frank, it has been very shitty. My grades are disastrous and that’s obviously because I haven’t been putting in (any) effort. And this is where the problem lies. I don’t know what to do. I feel so demoralised, so unmotivated, so miserable. I can feel myself rotting because of my incompetence. This time, I know it’s bad. I’ve let myself be consumed by negative thoughts so much so that I literally do not care anymore. I don’t care that I didn’t submit a 20% assignment, I don’t care that I am 25th percentile, I don’t care if I skip lectures and tutorials. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve (almost) completely given up. And when someone gives up on himself, that’s when you know they’re past the point of caring. Everything has just accumulated and snowballed to this state and I’m not quite sure how to pull myself out of this grave I dug for myself. I know the only solution is to find it in me to want to do well bad enough, to want to do well so much, that I find the motivation and the drive again. No one else can do it for me, no one can take my finals for me, no one can force me to study. Ultimately, it all boils down to me and if I have the mental strength to rise above it all. I’ve pretty much fucked up this entire first semester and I’ve hit an all time low. I don’t feel like doing anything and I’ve let laziness overcome me. 2 weeks to finals, and I really ought to get out of this funk. I have to be stronger than this. I can’t afford to fuck up anymore, I really can’t. And I know it’s pointless to be writing all this without doing anything but I promise, I just need to write it out. After this, I will start trying again. I’ll take the first step to churn out an essay by tomorrow even though it’s already 12am. It’s high time I stop wallowing in self-pity and help myself climb out of this black hole.



I’ve never felt more distant (if you could call it that) from the one thing that kept me sane. Choir is the one thing I will never get tired of. Words cannot describe how fucking much I miss it. Am really awaiting the day where God opens the doors for me to sing in a choir again.

29 March 2015

Dear Mr LKY,

Thank you so much for this nation, this country, this home that you built up from scratch. Thank you for this sheltered environment I live in, thank you for this comfortable life I live, thank you for this safe and secure country. Thank you for giving up your life, just so that we the people of Singapore can live a life of comfort and luxury. Thank you for being a man of such great foresight, with fortitude, passion and courage. Thank you for being such a visionary leader, and believing in your people 50 years ago when we had close to nothing. I can only imagine the immense stress you were under when we were expelled from Malaya 50 years ago, with the lives of 2 million people in your hands. Yet, you rose to the occasion and took it upon yourself to set up a cabinet of capable leaders and built the Singapore we know today. I know that no amount of “thank yous” will suffice for all that you’ve done, and no amount of tears wept will  bring you back. But from the bottom of my heart, I am nothing short of thankful. Thank you for dedicating your life to the betterment of ours. This city that you’ve left behind, is your legacy, your tears, sweat and blood. Rest In Peace, Founding Father.

In the words of Singapore’s Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong, “this week has been a dark week for Singapore”. I didn’t expect myself to be this affected by the death of LKY. I remember just a week ago I was telling my friends that I really really hoped he would make it to watch Singapore celebrate 50 years of independence because that is the least he deserves for all that he has done. On Monday morning however, I woke up to my father telling me that LKY had passed away at 3.18am that morning. At that point in time, it hadn’t really sunk in but at night as I watched the news, the reality of it all hit me, It is so strange to think that the millions of Singaporeans are mourning and grieving over a man that majority of us never even knew personally. But then I realised, it didn’t matter if we knew him personally or not. We grieve because we, as Singaporeans, all lost a legendary figure, someone who we all looked up to, or at the very least, respected. Look around you, this is the fruit of LKY’s labour. The skyscrapers in the CBD, the breathtaking night skyline against MBS, the bustling metropolis, all of these wouldn’t be possible without his foresight and leadership. There are very few people that I truly respect and LKY was one of them. In my very humble opinion, Singapore wouldn’t be what it is today if it weren’t for his astuteness, his foresight and his leadership. Sure, he might have made mistakes and many disagree with his policies or actions, but to err is only human. He wasn’t a populist and he did what he felt was right and necessary at that point in time. Such a man of great stature is very hard to come by and tbh, I feel like his passing marks the start of a new chapter in Singapore history. I am so glad I decided to stay on and queue for 6 hours at the Parliament House so I could pay my final respect to him. Knowing myself, I would have regretted if I didn’t.

This week, I also saw a side of Singapore I’d never seen before, not even during national day. Singaporeans united as one country to mourn for our founding father, extending genuine acts of care and concern to others. Even in death, LKY manages to unite the nation :’) As I watched, the state funeral on tv today, my heart broke so many times — once as the gun carriage left the Parliament House, another time as LHL read his eulogy, not as a son but as a PM, and another time as Mr Sidek read his eulogy in tears, and another as LHY read his eulogy filled with stories about LKY’s personal side, something which the public does not often see, and another time as the tv showed pictures of the pioneer generation breaking down in tears at tribute sites. Those were the people who walked alongside LKY and made Singapore what it is today. I think, to the younger generation, LKY was a leader with great aplomb, great oratorical skills, great vision. To the pioneer generation however, he was all that, and more. He was their only hope in what had seem like a world of doom. He led them out of the darker days and gave them what he promised – a new life. And so I suppose, his death hit them harder than most of us.

It’s literally “started from the bottom, now we here.” I am in awe, truthfully speaking, at the transformation Singapore has gone through from 50 years ago till now. I cannot fathom how someone can be so extraordinary, to have visions of a metropolitan Singapore 50 years later, to have faith in his people, to have the ability to motivate his people, to have garnered the trust of 2 million Singaporeans. But he has done it and I honestly don’t think there will be another like LKY. Having studied history for a lvls, I am more than well aware of how important good leadership is in the governance of a country. My SEA case studies have shown me that there are actually countries who have regressed due to poor leadership. And to me, LKY himself alone, is a great leader that I really find inspirational and admirable.

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die.
— Mary Elizabeth Frye

Human nature

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I guess it’s correct to say that we are always using people aren’t we? Humans using one another. I read somewhere before that we are sad when someone dies only because they aren’t around anymore to provide us with whatever we have been taking from them. I suppose it’s true, that we take from someone only what we need. We manipulate (for lack of a better word) people to become what we want them to be, to become a vision / a fragment of something that we desire. Consider this: we often seek comfort and support and expect our parents to always be there for us. But our parents are human too and they have their flaws and failings. And sometimes, these failings manifest themselves in the actions of our parents. And when they fail to give us what we expect, what we want (i.e love and support), we are hurt and disappointed. The person we sculpt also hurts too. So if this holds true, then aren’t we just merely taking and sculpting our parents into whatever we want / need them to be? We take from everyone what we need and things get taken from us. More often than not, this leaves us empty and tired. I think such things always end in disappointment is because it is so hard, to always have be… there y’know? It is wearisome to always have to give some parts of yourself to others (not that it’s entirely a bad thing). It’s tiresome to be around people, to have to put up this facade, to have to be a sculptor for someone and a sculpture of someone.

Having said that, it also is human nature to be selfish. Humans ARE selfish. Even in a family. Sometimes, people get tired and they just do not care anymore. They leave you to your own issues, to clear up your own mess (literally), to your own life. Then I ask myself, is this being selfish? Or is this just merely putting your happiness first before others? Because if there’s anything I’ve learnt in this 18 years of life, it is that putting your own happiness first before others’ has got to be the hardest thing ever. (What a paradox it is, seeing as human nature is selfish.) sometimes, you need to ensure your own happiness, to be able to give (anything) to someone else.
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I don’t know what this is all about. I just feel so suffocated. I hardly have the time to write / reflect now and everything is just being bottled up inside of me. Not having time to write means not being able to express my emotions. Not being able to express my emotions means it being suppressed inside of me. I have recently been just… Existing. I am not feeling. I don’t feel anything. I am supposed to feel stressed. I am supposed to feel sad / unhappy. I am also supposed to feel some sort of willpower. But there’s nothing. I just feel like all I am now is an empty shell. I know what this is, I’ve been here before. I thought I’d gotten past this but looks like I haven’t. I can feel myself suppressing everything. The stress is at the back of my head and as soon as someone / something releases the trigger, it’s going to rush forward in tidal waves, along with everything else I’ve suppressed for the past week / month. I don’t know what to do to avoid this. It’s like the small tremors at the beginning of an earthquake, like the behaviour of an active volcano with lava spewing out but not yet entirely erupted, like the tip of an iceberg. Help. I don’t want to go back there.

My thoughts and prayers and heart goes out to all the passengers and crew on board MH370 & their families. I can’t imagine what it’s like going though something as tragic as this. Although I may not feel the extent of their pain, I know what it’s like to have to be strong when all you want to do is cry. It’s so hard to remain positive in situations like this bc how can you, when all the signs say otherwise? Imagine their worry, their pain, their grief, their sorrow, their desperation. It’s heartbreaking. And even more so, to know that one of the passengers onboard was a J3 from SA. Just received his a level results 5 days ago. And now he’s missing.

I pray for God to be with them, to help them through this trying time, to be there to hold their hand and take their pain away. I also pray that He’ll guide all the rescue teams out there doing their best to search for the plane and ensure their safety, and for Him to be with the crew and passengers. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.

This just goes to show how fragile and unpredictable life is. You could be talking to someone on one day and the next, they could just be gone. It’s so so so scary.

Expect more reflective posts here bc I think as this year goes by, and the stress starts mounting, I will need an outlet (which would probably be writing) to release my emotions.
Today was a bad day. Well actually, only choir was bad. Lessons were okay. I just hate how things have come to with choir. Where did my passion go, where did my love for it go? I just don’t want to go for choir anymore. I still love singing I do, but there’s so much other things that take away the fun of it, and for that I am really upset. These things have affected me so much, that my passion for choir is affected to. The problem lies with the choir itself, not so much of the act of choral singing. The workings of the choir; the structure.

Sad

today is a bad day and a sad day. I wanted to watch the pairs figure skating Winter Olympics yesterday but I was so tired I fell asleep so I didn’t manage to catch it. I’m so upset about it 😦 😦 😦 idek why it’s making feel so sad. My heart sinks every time I think about it 😦 rly hoping I don’t miss the repeat telecast man 😦