I don’t have a title for this post

my friends always tell me that I wear my heart on my sleeve, that my facial expressions are v easy to read, that “ur poker face sucks” LOL I can’t decide if that’s a bad thing or not but I think it is la because why would I want to put myself in such a vulnerable place right where my emotions are there for the whole world to scrutinise???
But that being said, I guess it’s also a good thing because it’s really obvious when I’m done for good. It’s quite easy to tell when you’ve lost me cause when I half-fuck things it’s really quite half fuck la LOL bimbz ng told me before, when I care I tend to care too much but when I don’t, it’s also the other extreme. I think there’s a certain limit to how much I care, as with any human being. I hold my friendships/relationships in v high regard so it really takes a lot for me to start giving up on someone or something. I fall v hard yes but once I’m done crying and over it, it’s really like 0 fucks given at all…… (this is the reason why I say I’m going to hell lol)

Edit: lol omg this has been sitting in my drafts for a good 4 months since December…. it’s April 2017 now and this topic is still so relatable LOL HM WHAT DOES THIS SAY ABOUT ME πŸ€”

but yasss, sometimes I feel so angry at myself that I’m using a person but then I think about how it’s like for the party and realised that it’s no different – we both are using each other. sure, maybe it de-values us a a person, because you use things and not people, but I guess if the nature of the relationship is more taking than giving, then there’s only two ways to go about it right? a) Cut it off b) Play the game till someone gets hurt LOL as it is, I’m already treading on thin ice, the line is so so fine and I’m getting quite tired of playing this game. emotionally, mentally it’s exhausting, for both of us I’m sure. Am really quite a bitch for doing whatever I’m doing now (actually idek what I’m doing rly it just seems so bitchy lmao muddling my way through life wtf get ur shit tgt Hsu), I don’t have any excuse. I suppose you could say I stopped giving a fuck when it happened and that was when you lost me. for something that I value the most in a r/s, it doesn’t exist here at all and I don’t believe in second chances when it comes to things like these because there will always be lingering thoughts. it’s like porcelain you know? you can patch it back together after it breaks but the crack, the crack will always still be there, no matter how fine. it’s really not fair to either party but what to do… you can’t run from what you feel, maybe with time the lingering doubts will dissipate.

the moment I stop sharing, the moment I withdraw and become so guarded, I think that’s when you know I’ve stopped letting you in.

leaving/left

mel was telling me the other day about what she was going through and i realised, we were both in the same similar situation, just maybe slightly different context. i didn’t know what else i could do, because she was some thousand hundred miles away in Beijing and i’m stuck here. i want so much to just give her a hug, be there with her and cry together because i really understand how she feels. but because i can’t, all i could offer was mere words of what i hoped was comforting. but as i typed it, i felt like those were the words i myself needed to hear. it felt like while i was telling her the things i was, i was also trying to tell myself that.

i think letting go is something that i really need to learn how to do. i hold on to things so tightly that when i need to let go, it hurts worse than a bitch lol. i really don’t know why i’m still so hung up over this really…. i guess it’s just maybe i saw more in this friendship i suppose.Β sigh it’s okay, let it go, let it go, look past the flaws. all I can do is to accept things for what they are now, and what they will be. in time to come, this will either all be another memory, or a living friendship. gotta learn to not think so much and be content with the now. (but i did read somewhere, maybe on a trashy website LOL, that geminis are prone to always thinking about the “what ifs”, but i thinkΒ it’s true so gotta learn to STOP thinking about that). sigh a month to finals, can’t afford to be distracted anymore! will take things as they go, if effort is not reciprocated then so be it! am in a better place than i was 3 weeks ago, and will get to an even better place soon.

everything in life is temporal

of people, friends, phases, circumstance. i suppose nothing is permanent and that in itself is another paradox of life. that temporary is permanent. i spent most of the late afternoon till evening today just walking down the streets of tiong bahru/bukit merah with no real destination. i was supposed to do my neighbourhood study of tiong bahru but i ended up walking, getting some me time to do some thinking.

we fight to hold on, and we fight to let go. why do we fight to hold on to certain people/relationships when it’s toxic for us? to beg them to stay when they don’t want to. yet when we try, we can’t seem to just let it go. what if their time in your life is already up? what if they were never meant to be a permanent figure in your life? harsh as it sounds, all you can do is to suck it up and be happy that at least y’all had that few months right? i wish it were that easy too, for me to just let people come and go, as some people can do. i can’t. while i accept and understand that everything in life is temporal and transient, acceptance and understanding does not translate to action. you can comprehend something but not want to do it. can’t seem to let this go, so i guess it’s something i’ll keep thinking about for as long as it lasts. with time, hopefully i stop doubting and will learn to trust again?

do i regret showing so much of myself, (in any relationship)? yeah, because when the day comes when we become strangers again, it will kill me. but for now, i will just content with the notion that temporary is a state of permanence and till then, i will live with what might just kill me.

forgot you were like ice, and I held on too tight

It’s just a bad day, it’s just a bad day

Had the shittiest day ever today, probably compounded by the sever lack of sleep bc I slept at 3am. But god, I have never wanted choir to be over this bad. I can’t wait for 12th May, when concert is finally over and I can just go full out studying. It is so so so exhausting to reach home at 9pm every single day so drained by choir and the responsibilities I have to fulfill. I’m sorry I am not quite capable of dealing with that much responsibilities and you know my threshold for stress is very very low.
Choir concert prep is making me very very stressed, my studies are shit my grades are crap, and then there’s you, and my brain, overthinking and overflowing with thoughts that drown me. It’s so noisy up here in my mind I wish I could just shut it down. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel like I’m never good enough, never competent enough, never important enough. I hate this all. I just want to disappear. I just want to die and cry. Hate that I’m simply not good enough for anyone or anything. Just not worth the effort right?

I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.
β€” Katie Kacvinsky, First Comes Love

Tired. The two kinds of tired that sleep can and can’t fix.

β€œThe beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”
β€” Thomas Merton